moving on.

Here I am back in Virginia.
I moved on Friday. And spent the weekend on the verge of a panic attack, biting back tears every second. I looked at the disaster that is the product of a move, all the boxes waiting to be unpacked, and cried. I thought of virginia and cried. my pup, my mom, my friends. my ruined relationship, broken family. i thought of tessa starting daycare and cried.
And I woke up this morning and couldn't think, couldn't put one foot in front of the other. I could barely move. I just wanted to collapse and sleep forever.
This hasn't happened to me in a long, long time. I found such happiness in my life in Charlottesville. Such joy in being a mother, in having a bright beam of light that is my baby girl.
And i moved, and I felt my strong foundation start to crumble around me. So I came back here, because I just couldn't do it. I had to be here one last time until I can visit again. Have to see the doctor and maybe go on some drugs because I don't know if I can do this on my own.
I, officially, am a single mother. I think that is the first time I've officially told myself that, admitted it to myself.
And sometimes I really don't know if I can do this. I mean, I know I can, I will, I have to, because my daughter is the most important goddamned thing in the entire world and deserves the absolute best life-- she gave me light, she gave me happiness, she made me stronger and smarter, she made me a woman. It is going to be hard. Really hard.
But damn it, my life could be so much fucking worse. I have so much to be grateful for. I will not be sorry for myself.
I know I need to stop writing about how hard, how sad, bla bla bla. I guess though this blog is really for me, so I can remember what I went through at what time, and look back and see how I've changed, and how Tessa has changed. So sorry, readers, if you are bored or fed up. But really, this is for me. I need to put this down into words so I can remember, and remind myself to hold it together. To really do the best I can.