deep breath

so I heard through the grapevine single parenting was tough.... tough doesn't even cut it.
there are days when I literally convince myself that I am completely incapable of doing this on my own. i don't know if it is a phase or teething or the constant cold (thanks to daycare) but Tessa hasn't allowed me to leave her side. I get absolutely NOTHING done. Nothing is about me anymore. Nothing. And that is not a complaint. But it makes me feel really small, and really insecure, and weak. I feel like I am a slave to my life. There is so little pleasure right now, outside of the joy my daughter brings me. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. When I have a free moment, I am doing laundry, dishes, making bottles, preparing baby food, taking care of school stuff, running to appointments, washing diapers. I can barely fit in showering and making myself food. I don't even have time to eat. Everything I do revolves around Tessa. Don't take this as resentment- it's not. It is just the way things are. And it is fucking hard.
If I can barely make it right now, how will I ever make it when school starts and I have ten+ hour days plus homework and reading? When in my spare time, I have to study, how will I do the rest? This is where not being single would make life so much easier. Fuck, fuck, this is going to be so hard.
I chose this. This was my decision. I left, I thought I would be happier and a better mom. Instead, I feel completely incapable, selfish, and like I am abandoning my daughter by starting one of the most intense, hardest, and rigorous nursing programs in the country. How can I do this? How will I get through this? My daughter is going to forget about me and I will become so much less important to her. I won't be there to teach her, to watch her first steps, to hear her first words.
But I am doing this for her. It's all for her. Everything, every step I take, is for her. For her to have the best life, the happiest life.
I am barely going to see my daughter for the next year, and it is ripping my heart out of my chest. I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel like I don't deserve her. I feel like I make the worst choices and like I am not strong enough or tough enough to get through this year. I am a wreck already, trying to get by as a single parent who gets to stay home with her daughter. Add to that this intense program. It is fucking killing me.
Single mother. Single mother. Single mother. It still hasn't sunk in. I cringe every time I see two parents with a baby. I can barely speak to friends of mine who have happy relationships and are parents together. That should have been me.
But do you stay with someone who makes you feel so terrible all the time, someone who doesn't want the same things as you, someone who wants to be in control all the time, who cares so much about appearance but not about truth, who says black only because I say white, who can't grow up, can't settle down, blames all the problems on everyone else, never takes responsibility, is too old to just be starting out, who hasn't changed a bit since becoming a parent, who finds their baby to be a novelty and not a real and serious responsibility? I could go on.
I made the decision, I am starting school, I am not going to see Tessa, I will have no social life, I will be miserable and stressed.
God damn it, no one told me life would be this fucking hard.
But this promise to myself- after this year, when I am done with school, I will see the benefits huge and everlasting, and I will make the life I want to live. I will be the person I want to be, I will be thankful that I made it through the hardest time in my life, I will be stronger and smarter and more capable.I will have a solid career for the rest of my life. I will be able to support myself and my daughter, ON MY OWN. That is huge. I will have the hang of single parenting. I will make the best of it. I will find happiness again, and I will be the best mother in the fucking world. And maybe, just maybe, someday I will find someone worthy to share my life with. For now that doesn't matter. But maybe someday. FInd my joy in Tessa, be grateful for the gift of motherhood, be thankful I have wonderful support. I promise these things to myself.
I will be okay. One year. One year.