now

I moved to Charlottesville in fall of 2006, a really hard time for me, and since then I have only made (on my own, not including alessandro's friends) a handful of my own friends. And out of that handful I would only call a couple of them my close friends. And now I'm moving again, back to NJ where I went to high school but where none of my friends live anymore. And starting school at Drexel in Philly where again, not many of my friends are anymore. You'd think 2 places I'd live before would be comforting to me, but in a way, they are both new places to me because it's been so long since I've lived there.
It's really hard for me going from a place where I am finally comfortable and finally have friends and a nice life and a social life and people I can rely on to a place where I'm going to have to start over and make new friends or not.
I don't know if my point is coming across. I'm scared that I'm not going to make any friends in Philly or NJ and that I'm never going to have anything to do- more importantly, I'm going to be alone. It's just going to be me and Tessa, and though I love her to pieces, I'm afraid I'm going to be lonely. Now, no one likes being lonely, but it is one of the things in my life that really has had the ability to make me a miserable, depressed person. Who knows, maybe being occupied with Tessa will keep me from being lonely, but adult company and the company of your baby are not the same thing. I guess I just worry that I'll feel isolated and restricted and that in turn I'll become anxious and depressed.
Maybe I'm just overthinking the whole thing.
And I know I will have my dad and kim, but really, I am intruding enough on them by living there for a year when they are FINALLY empty-nesters, I definitely don't want to be up their asses all the time. I'm really going to try to stay out of their way for the most part because they definitely don't need to have their time and space intruded upon any more than I already am. They are doing more than enough for me.
I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining. I am so excited for this stage in my life- nervous to be away from Tessa and sad, but so excited. This is going to bring about such great opportunities and freedom for me. It is going to be the best thing that I have done in my life aside from having Tessa. I know it will be great. I just don't want to fuck it up by being that miserable person that I've had glimpses of in myself.
You know, I think about Morgan Harrington, and I think about Haiti, and I really should be more fucking grateful than I seem. I have such a wonderfu family that I hardly deserve, friends that love me, a roof over my head, the ability to go to school and start over and make a living and raise my child comfortably and happily. I will someday be able to send her to college. I have choices in my life that many don't. I have luxuries. I can stand in a hot shower for 30 minutes if I want. I can go to the gym. I can play with Charlie in the front yard. I get netflix. I have internet. So many small things that are so huge for so many other people. People that only dream of having a life like mine.
And I worry about being lonely for a year.